We’ve all said it, “Hollywood is completely out of ideas, all they do is remake stuff from more creative eras!”. Don’t we all sound smart when we say that? Of course we do.
Well we also forget “Scarface”, Al Pacino’s plucky entrepreneur (or cold blooded, drug dealing, drug user with a strange thing for his sister…that guy) was a remake itself.
See? Now we all feel just a little stupid…stupider? Whatever.
Either way, it’s a Hollywood tradition to steal from earlier eras so why stop now?
So here’s a list of 6 films or shows that I think should get the treatment that seemingly nobody wanted for “Ghostbusters”! (C’mon you know you’re thinking it)
6. The NeverEnding Story
Hey, put those pitchforks and torches down and let me finish! The NeverEnding Story was one of the best films from 1984, so why shouldn’t it get an update like a certain other film from 1984?
Ok…you’ll like this one, promise. And that’s because it’s NOT a reboot! It’s a sequel, but only to the first film. Why? Because the 2nd and 3rd films are awful…except for Jack Black awesome unibrow from part 3 — that is canon forever!
The Pitch – as a direct sequel to the original film, this story would take place 30 years later with an adult version of the original film’s lead character, the annoying Bastion. Except now he’s all grown up and having to travel back to Fantasia to find his kid (daughter/son, either will do) who’s lost in the book.
Old characters are new again like the luck dragon Falkor, the book’s main hero Atreyu and the childlike Princess who Bastion named “Mooouuuunncchhhaaallld”? (Probably?).
Take that Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, this film is like both of you combined!
5. The Last Starfighter
Ah back to 1984, the year that keeps on giving. This little film tried to cash in on the “Star Wars” craze and…that didn’t quite happen. For those of you to millennial to remember the story is basically about an average teenager named Alex who’s really good at an arcade game, coincidentally named after the same film -who’s then recruited to fight in an alien civil war against the Sith, Khan and John Travolta with a dreadlocked wig.
Ok forget the last part of the it, but stuff happened in space. SPACE!
The Pitch – Full reboot. I know, this film holds a special place in people’s hearts and stuff (which can lead to blockages…please be careful), but imagine that same basic premise “teenage kid who’s good at video games and pretty much nothing else (where will they find anyone who can relate to that?) who then gets pulled into an intergalactic battle royale where he just happens to have the very same skill set needed to save the galaxy!
Now imagine that with today’s special effects…I know, you wish you had a ticket already too.
4. Monster Squad
Oh 1987, what a lucky year to have received this gem. “Monster Squad” for those who’ve never seen it is “The Goonies” after a one night stand with ” Dracula vs. Frankenstein”. And yes it’s as fantastic as that last sentence.
Now is this film critically acclaimed? Hell no! And that’s what makes it so great, the fat kid in the film is literally called “Fat Kid”almost the entire film! Except in the end where he tells two bullies what his real name is while pumping a shotgun!
They kick a werewolf in the balls! That same werewolf explodes! Dracula calls a little girl “you little bitch!” to her face while holding her by the collar!
This may be the greatest film ever made! Move over “Batman V Superman : Dawn of Justice”! Move all the way over because you shouldn’t even be in this discussion.
The Pitch – DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING in the script. This film deserves a shot for shot remake that “Psycho” got but never needed. Imagine that late 80’s dialogue and hyper violence with up to date special effects and gore!
If tickets were now available, cash and one liners spouted while pumping shotguns should be accepted!
3. Defenders of the Earth
Don’t look for it, because it doesn’t exist. There is no movie with this name to be remade…but there should be. “Defenders of the Earth” was an animated series that debuted in 1986 and had a legendary run that lasted until…1987.
What was unique about it was that it united 3 “famous” comic book characters, 2 of which had films. “Flash Gordon” being the popular cult classic and “The Phantom” that…wasn’t (Billy Zane, you had “Titanic” man, keep your head up).
This show, which incidentally was developed by Marvel (even though they are not Marvel characters) also featured Mandrake the Magician (who’s as awesome as he sounds) and his assistant / bodyguard / and the show’s black guy, Lothar.
And it had a bunch of kids nobody gave a crap about. But it did have a fantastic theme song, so there’s that!
The Pitch -Sequel/adaptation. No it will not be part of the MCU, they have enough going on over there. This would unite the 4 leads from the cartoon into a space adventure/ semi sequel to 1980 film where the team would combine to take out the resurrected Ming the Merciless.
Go back and watch the film, Ming totally isn’t dead at the end. I don’t know about you, but this rematch needs to happen in my never really that humble opinion.
Oh and the Queen theme for Flash? It better be there, other wise what’s the point?
2. The Other Guys
Now, we are not suggesting a remake of the 2010 action/buddy cop/comedy hit. But something about that film, which of course was about two background characters in most cop films, played by Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell in a story that saw them become heroes by taking out the big bad guys…sounds like there’s nothing else to it right?
I know what you’re thinking, “It’s another forced sequel nobody asked for, like Speed 2: Cruise Control. Nobody wants that!”
Then you haven’t been paying attention…
The Pitch – a prequel/spinoff…hear me out before you call me a hack, I’ve earned that much by writing this at Starbucks next to a guy in a trendy scarf.
My God it’s so…trendy. Shame I spilled my coffee on it.
Anyway, this prequel would feature the two super cops, Hanson (Dwayne Johnson) and Highsmith (Samuel L. Jackson), the duo who famously “aimed for the trees” before…well go watch the movie if you want to know!
Still, those two were scene stealers in the first 10 minutes of the film and — and yes you can admit it, as much as you enjoyed the film’s actual two leads, you kinda, sorta wanted to see these two bad asses blow stuff up, didn’t you?
There, feel better now?
If that doesn’t sell it, then how about the return of Michael Keaton as their TLC lyric spouting Captain and cameos by Wahlberg and Ferrell returning to their background rolls before they became the story?
Tickets aren’t available on Fandango…but they should be.
There’s a war between factions right now, a vicious battle of dedicated warriors that seperate themselves in a blood feud by their organizations chosen colors – red and blue.
No not Republicans and Democrats or Bloods and Crips, those guys are actually pretty scary, I’m talking about Marvel and DC fans. Right now they’re engaged in war over competing cinematic universes, a war in which Marvel struck first back in 2008. They were soon bought by Disney which upped the ante to a war between Disney vs the DC owning Warner Bros.
But this battle was already waged back in the 90’s over…cartoons. The WB struck first, aiming with a very mature take with “Batman: the animated series” and Disney struck back, with Gargoyles.
The Pitch – adapt, adapt, adapt. “Gargoyles” in a nutshell was about a race of creatures by the same name who was lead by the awesomely gravelly voiced Goliath. They were betrayed by the humans they protected at night (the humans pretty much protected them by day since they turned to stone in daylight…probably should’ve mentioned that earlier) and frozen for a century or so until they were wakened by Commander Riker…I mean David Xanatos who thought they looked kinda cool.
This story begs for a big screen adaption with Xanatos voice actor Jonathan Frakes reprising his role in the flesh, along with the voice cast lead by Keith David as Goliath and fellow “Star Trek: Picard’s Summer Adventure” cast member Marina Siritis (pretty sure she played Whoopie Goldberg) as Goliaths former boo-bear and now ex boo-bear Damona.
Using the same CGI that created THE definitive Hulk and the not quite as definitive Ultron there’s no reason why the Gargoyles shouldn’t look just as fantastic.
So there you go Hollywood. Don’t say I never did anything for ya. Except, like your jobs and stuff. Because I just totally did that.
Feel free to send a thank you check. I’m not too proud to cash it.